"Enlightenment"

Median......what does that mean. Let me back up to how I got here. My friend approached me wondering if I would be interested in attending a session with a median. At first I thought, "Wow, how exciting!" Then I wondered if I wanted to know about my future. Basically the well known thoughts that we have all been exposed to came rushing forward. "I'm going to have my future told." I later spoke to my friend who advised me in preparing for our date with the median. This made me ask what I could expect, as she clarified that she does not tell the future. It was explained to me that the median is able to feel the presence of "enlightened beings", the ones that watch over us, provide guidance. My friend shared some of here experiences which really got me thinking.

I feel fear, fear of the unknown. This uncertainty is frightening as it may confirm that there really is "enlightened beings". How will learning this impact my life? Who do I want to hear from? I instantly think about my younger brother that passed away 16 years ago. I have a flash back to my college days, playing with the Wegee Board. At the time I was a skeptic, thought that it worked due to the sub-conscious or something. I soon changed my tune when I was contacted by my brother, which at the time freaked me out and I have never played since. Having the knowledge that I may be contacted by him again causes my stomach to turn, making me feel anxious and not want to go. I try to sort out why I feel anxious, rather than excited to be able to be connected to him again. I realize that it is still guilt, guilt I have carried with me since the day he died. The guilty thoughts come rushing back in......Why him? Why not me? I think about how wonderful of a life he had. He was popular is school. Top in his class academically. Athletic, kind, loving, and just a wonderful human being. I feel guilt of "ruining" his last Christmas. I remember telling him that Santa Clause wasn't real. I think, "Why did I do that, I ruined his last Christmas. I ruined my parents Christmas", remembering how made and hurt they were.

As I process my guilt, I realize that these feelings are not warranted, that it is not my fault he died. Reminding myself of this, allowed me to begin to see the positive side of meeting with him again, that it doesn't have to be scary. I think about what I will feel if he chooses to contact me again. I still feel anxious, but in an excited way. I feel nervous, as I'm not sure if I am suppose to talk back to him or just listen. I wonder what he thinks of what I have become, if he is proud of his sister. I come to realize that meeting with my brother will put me at peace. I'm not sure why that is, maybe our fears of death, heaven or hell, life after death, knowing his spirit lives on. I'm really not sure, but I feel a sense of peace come over me as I envision meeting with him and the impact on my life afterwards.

My encounter with meeting with the median draws closer and I am speaking with my friend. I am explaining that I am curious if there is a baby looking at Sean and I, wanting us as parents. My friend had told me previously that it is thought that baby's choose their parents. I think this is such a wonderful concept, something I have never heard before. I am sure that I want to see if there is a child that wants to be my child. Sean and I have been wanting to have a baby for months, without any luck. We have begun the process to assure that we are both able to have children. I have conflicting thoughts about finding out this information. On one hand, I will be so excited to know that I will have the honor to raise a child, but if a child is not going to choose us as parents I would be disappointed. I will go into this hoping that there is a child that wants me, that wants us. I will leave it at that.

On the same evening, I have a clear and resounding thought enter my mind. I wonder if my biological family will choose to seek me. I was adopted when I was six months old a very small amount about my past of six months. I know that I was born in Seoul, South Korea. I don't know anything about my parents. I don't know if my father knows about me, or any of my other extended family members. I wonder any of my biological family chooses to watch over me, to guide me in my life. It is strange that I don't feel fear about finding this out. I feel like I have been waiting for this moment for all for a long time. I hope that maybe some of my questions will be answered and if not I am okay with that, as I have always had these questions. Nothing will change if nobody is present, change will only happen if there is a presence. I will learn what that means to me if it happens.

I feel at ease with my decision to seek guidance, a sort of "enlightenment". I look forward to my meeting with my past, present, and future.

The Roller Coaster of Shopping

Now that my closet is sparse, only filled with clothes that fit, I realized that I really have nothing left. So I begin my shopping, hitting the usual stores looking for a bargain. Bargain shopping, isn't that what we are taught? I rifle through Old Navy, disappointment strikes. I'm not sure why I went there in the first place, I know the clothes don't really fit my body. Oh wait, I'm looking for a great deal. I was looking for a sale! Next stop T.J. Max.......I must have tried on 7 pairs of pants with no luck. Shopping at the discount store, where if I do find something, I would need to have it altered. Kohl's, finally I find a pair of pants. I buy them because of the price more so than the fit. I think how can I pass them up, $14.00 what a bargain. Why do we do this? Is it because we learn to make every penny count, to be thrifty. We look for sales, and even more so the CLEARANCE rack!

As I get in the roller coaster car, I figure out how much money I can spend at the mall. I start off at New York Learner. Well, I leave the store completely unsatisfied, no clothing and feeling big, a size 12! I will leave that alone for now, that is a whole other topic. The next store......Express, one of my favorites! Just thinking about going in, I go on an emotional roller coaster. I am in the cart strapped in and up the incline I start my journey. I am surrounded with the warm sunlight of shirts, pants, sweaters, and accessories, when I hit the descend. The price tags come flashing to the forefront of my thoughts.

The incline starts again as I remember how the pants fit snugly, making me have a great looking booty! This is a big accomplishment since I suffer from Asian Ass Syndrome (definition). The material is stretchy and soft against my skin. The different colors and patterns are like seeing a garden in the spring, a variety. Oh, the decline......price, at $60.00 a piece, the invigorating air blowing against my face, becomes suffocating. The uphill clacking of the coaster is like music to my ears as the thought of having options in different pant lengths available, meaning NO alterations needed! As I continue on the high of these thoughts, I am brought back to the reality of free falling, by the flash of the camera lights, as my picture was just taken.

As I see the cork screw part of the roller coaster nearing, I realize it is now or never. Questions pop in my mind: "Why should my clothes only fit my body in certain areas? Why should I always buy the cheaper clothes that don't really fit? Why should I always choose price over fit? Why should I have to alter new clothes to make them fit better? Why buy many clothes of lesser quality, to have them fall apart just to have to replace them?" There is only one answer to all of these questions: "I am worth spending the money on. I am worth spending the money on to the have clothes that fit. I am worth spending the money on to have clothes that fit and look good. I am worth spending the money on to have clothes that fit, look good, and are good quality. I am just plain worth it!"

I walk into my favorite store, and feel great knowing that I am going to shop, not worrying about price. I end up picking out jeans, slacks, tops, and a camisole. I spend the money and feel completely exhilarated as I complete the last cork screw of the roller coaster and come to a slow stop.

Purging the "Cobwebs"

Today is Saturday and I wake up to thoughts of getting my house clean, the typical Saturday chores. I scrub my kitchen from top to bottom, thinking "Wow, my counter tops really are white. It's amazing how grimey they were!" Next step, the "living room" which really isn't that large. I begin vacuuming my pergo floors with my amazing Dyson vacuum. I moved all the furniture, assuring I get behind and underneath. I even clean under the couch cushions. The floors get mopped, the tables shined, and the dust removed. Even the cobwebs are gone.

As I go through this process, I realize that I am ready to purge my life, at least my house, of all the unnecessary items that are not being used. I tossed out candles that when you burn them the wax over flows onto the table. I removed knickknacks on the end tables and coffee table, realizing this is all a bunch of clutter. I think, "Why am I cluttering my life with so many unnecessary things, things that have little to no meaning." As I removed these few items and rearrange the ones I decided to keep I felt liberated. I felt meaning in my living room. That sounds silly, but I have kept objects that make me feel happy and connected with the space. I have my scrape books sitting in plain view; ready to be opened, looked at, and enjoyed. It makes me feel content and happy.

As my cleaning tasks continue, I return a call to a friend and realize that I am going to continue this process throughout the rest of my house. I get excited about cleaning out all the "cobwebs", such as old and no longer fitting T-shirts, pants, skirts, and even my wonderful collection of shoes! "How about paperwork, old pictures, things I don't use.....just plain clutter!" It feels like a dusty and dirt filled window being cleaned, letting the warm sunlight in. It has dawned on me that once I have purged all the "cobwebs" out, I can begin letting the light and warmth flow into me. I feel energized, excited, and satisfied. "I am going to follow through and complete all those nagging projects, with a renewed energy!" I start thinking about all the new interests I can follow and with this thought my mind goes a mile a minute. "I'm going to display my photography, frame my wedding photos, maybe even paint."

I make a mental list of all the "cobwebs" that I need to purge and as each one makes it to the list I feel more and more excitement. I feel like I am transforming, shedding my old skin and looking forward to my new softer, more vibrant skin. I am ready for a change. I find it so odd that this all started by cleaning my house. It is amazing how these changes in my living space can impact my inner self so much. I have realized that if I stop expending energy on thinking about all the things that I "need" to do and just complete them, I can focus my energy on all the things I want to do. Therefore, with this realization, I am left with a renewed sense of clarity, energy, and excitement.

The Difficult Two Letter Word

NO....such a simple two letter word that we learn so early in life. We use it so easily to tell our brothers and sisters to stop being mean. We say "no" I'm not hungry mommy or "no" I don't want to do that. We learn to say this simple word almost automatically, practically instinctual. It is so easy when we are children to let it roll right off our tongues, with no forethought on what the consequences might be. All we know is that if we say the word, then we are voicing our desires and opinions, such a simplistic thought.

Then we grow and we hear it used differently. Often times are parents have told us "no" and we have ignored, when finally the "no" is in a raised and strict tone. The realization that the word "no" may not be such an easy simple two letter word. Once thought as our way of expressing our desires, we quickly learn that there is a time and place to use "the" word. We begin to understand that we no longer can tell our parents "no" without feeling the wrath, of what we believed was "God". Remember going to the park and you are told it is time to go, well before you realize what is slipping out of your mouth it is out..."No" I don't want to go. Now associated with the word "no" is the "look" and we all know what the look means. We quickly learn that this word is not something you tell authority figures or people you respect.

It is as we grow older that we learn that "no" is a word with consequence, whether these are realistic or not. I have learned to associate a potential loss of something when I say "no". If you think about it, you tell your boss "No, I will not come in on my day off.", well does that mean I may loose my job. Tell the sales associate, "No, I don't have a receipt." and they look at you with disgust, as if you are creating more work for them and they may not exchange your item. "No" means something negative.

I feel that the simple word is associated with negatives that may not just affect me, but others as well. I truly think about how my "no" answer will affect those around me, often times forgetting how it would benefit my sanity. An example, I stopped by my friends house early, as we had plans to go out to dinner. I called her to let her know that I was pulling up and to assure she was home. She stated she needed to go to Target and asked if I wanted to go, my response was, "Ummmm, ahhhhhhhh, ummmmmmm, (silence), ummmmmmmm" when finally after much contemplation I said, "not really." Why was this so hard? She really didn't care either way. My brain was racing, "really don't want to go, but will she be disappointed? Am I ruining her plans? I really don't want to go....just say 'no' already."

It is such a difficult process for me to say "no" to those I love and care about, okay to anybody. There are so many things associated with that word and how it affects others, at least that is how it is perceived in my crazy mind, but I know in my realistic self that saying "no" is okay. That it doesn't have to be negative, but can be very healthy and liberating. After telling my friend "no" I felt relief and satisfied. I have found that when I don't say "no", I am helping to much, involved in too many projects, and just don't enjoy spending time with others as much, yet the struggle continues.

The internal battle between self sanity and the sanity of others of others continue. Why was that little word developed? Why can you find such comfort and anxiety, at the same time, in such a simple word? Why is it easy to tell children "no", but struggle with telling adults the same thing?

Me, Myself, and Sometimes the World will continue to find freedom and liberation by using that simple two letter word.